*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Good news
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.