*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The pasta is now
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel