Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.