Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing