@Amusitr0n

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

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@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

@craiguito

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

@david8hughes

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@li4mst3w4rt

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@isabelzawtun

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

@Bill_Nye_tho

i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals