When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
You Might Also Like
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals