[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah