Stonehinge
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”