Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Only short people can save us
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.