Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
You Might Also Like
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Boom, boom, ching!
