Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Just added something to my bucket list.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

you will never know the true number of layers

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.