Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Canadian owl: Eh?

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”