Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!