*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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Weirdos gonna weird.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I鈥檒l be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
He-man has a Masters degree
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here鈥檚 the thing uh now鈥檚 not a good time
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.