Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar