Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”