Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.