Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?