Stop.
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.