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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!