Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

This might be the funniest tweet ever