Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Feel. He’s so soft.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.