STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
📽️movie date🎞️
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens