Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda