STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Harsh but fair
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?