Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?