Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me