Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.