Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Okay me first
