Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
the world’s most popular steaming services
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.