Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm