Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?