Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.