Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used