Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Peter Parker Peter Driver

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit