Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming