stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
That’s it.I’m out.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!