Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle