Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film