stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You Might Also Like
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”