Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

BETRAYAL

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.