stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
no cat here
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I wanna be friends with this person
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”