Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
buys donuts instead
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.