Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”