“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
No.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?