“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
my astrological sign is a french fry
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss