“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You Might Also Like
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell