Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

Still my favorite headline of all time:

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go