Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.