stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Did I do this right
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.