Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.