Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.