Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!