Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
presenting your incognito window wrapped
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?