Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Single and childfree like Jesus
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Poetry is my passion
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account