Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?