Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
