Stop being $50 to eat, food.
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
feetloaf
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.