Stop being $50 to eat, food.
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Yup
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.