Stop being $50 to eat, food.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
how was your vacation
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…