Stop being $50 to eat, food.
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
good let them take over I have had enough
