Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

They’re not wrong

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.