Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]