Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good