Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The old gods are rising again.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?