Stop being racist to kettles.
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wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
doing your own taxes
*cough*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*eats only grass-fed donuts
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool