Stop being racist to kettles.
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Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.