Stop being racist to kettles.
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Need WebMD
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day