Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real