Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
You Might Also Like
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Nice try, poison.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel