Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Is this you?

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought