Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”