Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
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toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now