Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise