Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You Might Also Like
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
They grow up so quick
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it