Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.