Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea